Controlling the Mind

So, I figured when I started on the Zen path, is that I needed to control my mind. If I got sufficient control over it, it will be in peaceful state all the time. I will have bliss and nirvana, and I have achieved my target. Well, seems like reality is way different! So, the mind is a phenomena, just like anything else, with its inherent nature. If you put water on heat, it will boil because of its inherent nature, same way as wood will burn if exposed to heat and oxygen. The mind will be happy when it gets something that it wants and will be sad when it gets something that it does not. There is no way around it, that is how it is programmed. So, then you would say that the answer is to get rid of the root cause - the want. Let me tell you friends - that is not easy or even entirely possible, for most of us who live in mundane world. I cannot get rid of my desire to see my family happy. If they are going through pain, it pains me and I want the suffering to end. A lot of times, when issues are related to having a job or sickness, it is not even a want, it is a need. How can I say it does not matter whether the situation gets rectified or not?

So, back to the question - I don't think it is expected to change nature of mind so much through meditation, but to understand its nature, see how it works and ACCEPT it. Resistance is what causes pain. If I can accept that my mind is sad because of conditions and there is no way to alter its state, but to accept the sadness of moment, it lessens the blow. As long as we are trying actively to change the situation (applying for jobs, getting medical care etc), we are doing what we need to do. Everything changes, and this situation will also change.

Ah! The Great Expectation!

Here I am, with a perfect opportunity to practice. Mind you it is difficult to do so, at least for me. Lot more easy to chant - "form is emptiness and emptiness is form", much more difficult to do (we are reading Heart Sutra for a class at my Zen Center). I am putting effort in something, something that is necessary for sustenance of this form (body and mind). I am impatient, I want quick results and I want it to get over soon. It might take some effort and I don't want to spend a lot of effort. Do you see all the "wants" I have just listed?

I am thankful that mindfulness is allowing me to see this process. If it was before I embarked on path, the sheer stress and pa nick would have consumed my being. I still have those two companions but, I am able to let go of effort as "just effort", a part of my "suchness", nothing more to it. Actually, at times, I am able to enjoy the effort (nice!). I am able to look at stress and tell myself that it is empty of self existence, I need not let that poison spread in my body and mind and when I look into source of stress, it is my lack of confidence in the ability of life. Zen has enabled me to see the beauty of life, how perfect it is and how much I fail to notice it. It has enabled me to see that I don't live life with all my planning and procuring and calculating risk, but rather it lives me, supports me and enables me. I am not able to see this all the time but, I am thankful for times when I can. I have confidence in the myriad dharmas...:). My teacher said yesterday - be curious, see what life offers. In order to be curious, I have to leave my plans aside and give life room to show me what I cannot imagine and plan for...:).

It is 5:30 AM EST now, perfect time to sit. The cushion awaits me.

How free are we?

Have been thinking about it for sometime and here it is now in ink. We talk about being free and freedom is basically considered as a right to do what one wants to do - of course in the limits of social and judicial laws. You are not free to steal or to commit murder. I have had the good fortune of living my life in a free country so far. I was raised in India where social taboos are stronger, still you are free to a great extent and now I am in US - the ultimate free country. I believed in this definition of freedom for a long time and thanked my good fortune. Whenever, I heard about countries where there were military dictatorship or some other kind of oppression, I felt sorry for its inhabitants.

And then somewhere down the line, I started sitting and as I say, peeling of the onion began. How free I am, if all day I follow my desires and my attachments? How free I am, if my happiness and sorrows are controlled by external factors? Like a programmed robot - give me something that I want (I don't know always the "why" behind the want) and I will be happy, take it away from me and I am sad. Sing my praises and I am happy, criticize me and see how hurt I can get.

Dictionary defines freedom as - "the power to determine action without restraint". So we do not have external restraints, but what about internal ones? What drives us to do certain things and not others - why some of us after fame, some after power, money or beauty? What is the fuel that keeps us going - day after day, year after year, life after life? Where does it come from and how justified is it?

Regarding desires, I found that for some of them, I do not even understand the origin and I just act upon them. Sitting meditation allowed me to look at this process and question my never satisfying chase after desires. If I look carefully, a few of desires are result of conditioning, things that I was programmed to run after either by family or by society or by peer pressure. I feel a few of my desires are a result of my past karma, I need to pay certain debts and hence I am motivated to work in that direction. Because I live in US, I have certain desires and when I go back home to India, I see a whole another set of desires that emerge based upon socioeconomic conditions that prevail there. I have to admit, for some of desires and attachments, I can never find any reason and I just honor their presence.

So, how free we are? Are we in control of our happiness and satisfaction or not?