Beyond Preferences

To go beyond preferences, I need to drop both what I prefer and what I don't. I tend to cling to what I prefer and want more and more of it. How is this different from any kind of addiction? I am repelled by what I don't prefer and cringe at it. I really don't have that much control over the mental states that arises based upon conditions. If I get something that I like, I am happy or else I am not. I guess happiness cannot be the destination then, it has to be something beside happiness and sadness. Got to sit more with this. At least, because of the question, I have been sitting more regularly though the trend has been broken for last 4 days. Have an early morning flight tomorrow, probably good time and place to sit.

When will you stop?

Angulimala (literal meaning of this name is garland of fingers) was a bandit who used to cut his victim's pinkie finger and had made a garland for himself. Every one was afraid of him. When Buddha found out, he ventured into Anguliamala's territory by himself. Every one was worried for Buddha's safety. Angulimala saw Buddha moving through his territory and asked Buddha to stop. Buddha kept walking, he showed no trace of fear - Angualimala asked him to stop again and Buddha said - I stopped a long time ago, when will you stop? Angulimala did not understand and asked Buddha what he meant. Buddha said that he cast off violence towards other beings and Angulimala is unrestrained, that's how he has stopped and Angulimala didn't. And the story goes that he became a disciple of Buddha and attained arahatship.

This question - "When will you stop?" has a deep meaning. It is not just in terms of violence towards other beings. It is also our violence towards ourselves. We pushing ourselves to become something, to gain something, to achieve fame, power, money. We push our loved ones to do the same. When will we stop? When will we start teaching our children to be content, happy and aim for peace of mind? When will we stop preparing them for the rat race?

How free are we?

Have been thinking about it for sometime and here it is now in ink. We talk about being free and freedom is basically considered as a right to do what one wants to do - of course in the limits of social and judicial laws. You are not free to steal or to commit murder. I have had the good fortune of living my life in a free country so far. I was raised in India where social taboos are stronger, still you are free to a great extent and now I am in US - the ultimate free country. I believed in this definition of freedom for a long time and thanked my good fortune. Whenever, I heard about countries where there were military dictatorship or some other kind of oppression, I felt sorry for its inhabitants.

And then somewhere down the line, I started sitting and as I say, peeling of the onion began. How free I am, if all day I follow my desires and my attachments? How free I am, if my happiness and sorrows are controlled by external factors? Like a programmed robot - give me something that I want (I don't know always the "why" behind the want) and I will be happy, take it away from me and I am sad. Sing my praises and I am happy, criticize me and see how hurt I can get.

Dictionary defines freedom as - "the power to determine action without restraint". So we do not have external restraints, but what about internal ones? What drives us to do certain things and not others - why some of us after fame, some after power, money or beauty? What is the fuel that keeps us going - day after day, year after year, life after life? Where does it come from and how justified is it?

Regarding desires, I found that for some of them, I do not even understand the origin and I just act upon them. Sitting meditation allowed me to look at this process and question my never satisfying chase after desires. If I look carefully, a few of desires are result of conditioning, things that I was programmed to run after either by family or by society or by peer pressure. I feel a few of my desires are a result of my past karma, I need to pay certain debts and hence I am motivated to work in that direction. Because I live in US, I have certain desires and when I go back home to India, I see a whole another set of desires that emerge based upon socioeconomic conditions that prevail there. I have to admit, for some of desires and attachments, I can never find any reason and I just honor their presence.

So, how free we are? Are we in control of our happiness and satisfaction or not?