Balance the equation?

So, this non-dual vs dual nature of universe has been on my mind lately. The more I look, the more I find good and bad together. Seems like there is a design for some of us to do bad, so that others have a chance to do good. Those who are doing "bad", firmly believe that what they are doing is right, which means from their perspective, they are doing good. It is very clear to me know that there is no definition of good or bad. It is a matter of perception, depends on where you are standing and what your circumstances are. And yes, it applies to every thing.

Well, on top of this, I ended up watching the last two movies in Matrix trilogy. It was not a planned activity but happened because I am on vacation and can afford to watch TV late into the night. I think the person who wrote matrix is enlightened. I don't know how they know so much but boy, they do have some facts straight at least. So, the one that resonated most with me was the unbalanced vs balanced equation. The things that were bothering me for some time are --

1. Why is there good and bad?
2. People who do bad are convinced that what they are doing is not bad, so in their mind, they are doing right.
3. There is no self, so there is no entity making up its mind about good or bad.

The statement in matrix was that there are some of us unbalancing equation and others are balancing. If this was not happening, probably no one would have anything to do! And my finding is that every one is balancing and unbalancing the equation. We all are a mix of good and evil, some less, some more.

The Universe is Dual

How could have I not noticed this earlier? I must have read Dogen talk about duality a dozen times but it was not sinking in. Anyhow, it came to my attention that Universe is dual in nature..it is its suchness..there is heat and cold, black and white, summer and winter, happiness and sadness etc etc. One does not come without the other! It is a package deal!!! Oh my my..is that right? It is a package deal? I only want good, warmth, summer, light, happiness etc etc and not the other part. But how is that possible? The universe cannot hand anything out without its counter part. Day will come with night, summer with winter and happiness (the kind that you get when your wish is fulfilled) with disappointments! Well, no one told me that!!!! Can we accept the reality that one pole does not exist without the other and hence we cannot expect that we can get only half the package every time? What is the difference in expectations and attitude when we start accepting the package and not just one half? Think about it.

Zen's best gift to me..

is the understanding that water is water, fire is fire, earth is earth and they don't need to become like each other or for that matter, any one else. Now, this might not be a big thing for someone else, but for me, it was. Being born in a highly competitive social structure, there were often examples sited of other people and how we should become successful like them. I did spend a good part of my life trying to become successful and I still do. It doesn't wear off that easily. It was only after sitting on cushion and pondering over suchness for days, that I realized how unique each of us is and how uniquely we are gifted. All of us possess our own "suchness". We need to honor the gift that we have, the talent that is naturally ours and no one else's and nurture it. Do only what you are uniquely inspired to do and nothing else. Everything else will fall in place automatically. It is such a liberatioin for a person like me. A rose flower is a rose flower, and if it spends its life comparing itself to a Jasmine flower and trying to become like it, what a shame. I pondered and pondered over suchness, it was making no sense to me and then it unfolded - what a beauty! It was a whole different world to see from eyes of suchness. I am deeply thankful and I want to bow to no one in particular.

Ah! The Great Expectation!

Here I am, with a perfect opportunity to practice. Mind you it is difficult to do so, at least for me. Lot more easy to chant - "form is emptiness and emptiness is form", much more difficult to do (we are reading Heart Sutra for a class at my Zen Center). I am putting effort in something, something that is necessary for sustenance of this form (body and mind). I am impatient, I want quick results and I want it to get over soon. It might take some effort and I don't want to spend a lot of effort. Do you see all the "wants" I have just listed?

I am thankful that mindfulness is allowing me to see this process. If it was before I embarked on path, the sheer stress and pa nick would have consumed my being. I still have those two companions but, I am able to let go of effort as "just effort", a part of my "suchness", nothing more to it. Actually, at times, I am able to enjoy the effort (nice!). I am able to look at stress and tell myself that it is empty of self existence, I need not let that poison spread in my body and mind and when I look into source of stress, it is my lack of confidence in the ability of life. Zen has enabled me to see the beauty of life, how perfect it is and how much I fail to notice it. It has enabled me to see that I don't live life with all my planning and procuring and calculating risk, but rather it lives me, supports me and enables me. I am not able to see this all the time but, I am thankful for times when I can. I have confidence in the myriad dharmas...:). My teacher said yesterday - be curious, see what life offers. In order to be curious, I have to leave my plans aside and give life room to show me what I cannot imagine and plan for...:).

It is 5:30 AM EST now, perfect time to sit. The cushion awaits me.