Positive Thoughts aka wholesome thoughts

Hi All,

It has been a long time since I blogged here. Work got the best of me! I sure hope it never becomes like that again. I am starving..starving for meditation, starving for reading, starving for just sitting. Had to miss the last retreat at my zendo also, which was painful. I do have two consecutive retreat weekends coming up, and sure hope that circumstances will allow me to attend.

Been through interesting times..right when I am getting totally amazed by the flawless functioning of this universe, I would see something so out of balance that I would have tears in my eyes. Still have not figured out this whole flawless vs problem thing.

Now, there is nothing in Zen that explicitly talks about positive thoughts, a little surprising, eh? But the dissection of thoughts ultimately leads to refining of thoughts because one observes what kind of thoughts one is getting and if they have positive or negative impact on him. Actually, as I am writing this, I am thinking that Zen does talk about wholesome thoughts, one of the things about right effort is to give rise to wholesome thoughts. None the less, I am noticing a shift in my thought pattern, does it help a lot - don't know..but I would take any slight shift to positive thinking over my anxious neurotic thinking. It is very difficult to change the habit energy, I am very jealous of optimists! and I would like to become one! Anyhow, just realizing that my thought pattern tends to take a pessimistic approach was something for me. Till I started sitting, I did not observe my thought patters. Would have I known it at this stage in life, whether I meditated or not, who knows? But I am thankful that I have at least observed it. Now to the most daunting task - to get rid of unwholesome thoughts and keep replacing them with wholesome ones! I am telling you - it is quite an undertaking! Wish me good luck!

Trust Factor through Zen Practice

So, I like to plan and execute on the plan...if things don't go according to my plan, I get upset and I try hard to bring the plan back on track. My mind is conditioned to believe that it can achieve anything as long as it tried hard enough. If it did not get something, it is because it did not try hard enough. Zen has enabled me to see that if I don't get something, first of all - most of the time, it is for my own good and secondly, there are factors other than my own effort that need to come together for any event to happen. My effort is important and required, but is not the sole controlling factor. This was liberating for me, not that it made me utterly peaceful, but it allowed me to relax and let go, at-least once in a while, if not all the time. I did not have the concept of trust - that whatever is happening, is usually for the best and that every one and everything is being taken care of. Sitting on the cushion has enabled me to see that as well.

Beyond Preferences

To go beyond preferences, I need to drop both what I prefer and what I don't. I tend to cling to what I prefer and want more and more of it. How is this different from any kind of addiction? I am repelled by what I don't prefer and cringe at it. I really don't have that much control over the mental states that arises based upon conditions. If I get something that I like, I am happy or else I am not. I guess happiness cannot be the destination then, it has to be something beside happiness and sadness. Got to sit more with this. At least, because of the question, I have been sitting more regularly though the trend has been broken for last 4 days. Have an early morning flight tomorrow, probably good time and place to sit.

Preferences

How does one practice so as to not to have preferences? I am caught in the world of preferences.

Wow!!! Did this really happen to me?

I caught myself doing this one day and I have to say that I was mighty pleased - I was letting go of something. It was just some issue at work, I was thinking and thinking as to how to resolve it, I had tried pretty much everything and it was a delicate situation, so any kind of explicit reaction was not called for. While driving home from work, I must have spent good 20 minutes worrying, fretting, getting frustrated etc etc and finally the thought came up that I need to let go. I had tried everything that I could and now, there was nothing more to do. I need to let life flow through me and not me forcing life in a certain direction. Now, this might be natural to some of you, but for ME, it was a HUGE step!!!!! Letting go and entrusting the matter to a greater wisdom than my own is difficult for me. I am the kind of person who plans and prioritizes and gets very upset when things are not going as per the plan. So, for me, just the fact that idea of letting go came up was huge. Now, this is what I call real value of Zen. Again, I know where I am - I might be able to let go of something small, but might not be able to do so for something of bigger scope but I am happy with baby steps for now.

I wanted to write during Rohatsu but did not get time, I changed jobs recently and it has been hectic. However, this was the theme that came up for me again and again during Rohatsu week sittings - let life live through me and try to let go, acceptance rather than rejection. I don't know how long will this stick to me, but for now, I am full of gratitude. I hope this sticks to me for the rest of my life. Thanks to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha.

Just being

Once again, I am at a point in my practice where I am finding something unusual..so, I figured the more you practice, the more peaceful, patient, nice, kind etc etc you become. And now I am realizing that acceptance is another aspect of practice. I don't constantly have to be in mode of changing myself to become something else. I am good as is and it is a matter of acceptance. Changes will come as and when needed, but in the meanwhile I don't need to worry. Just be. I always used to wonder what just being is and it is making sense now..:)

Balance the equation?

So, this non-dual vs dual nature of universe has been on my mind lately. The more I look, the more I find good and bad together. Seems like there is a design for some of us to do bad, so that others have a chance to do good. Those who are doing "bad", firmly believe that what they are doing is right, which means from their perspective, they are doing good. It is very clear to me know that there is no definition of good or bad. It is a matter of perception, depends on where you are standing and what your circumstances are. And yes, it applies to every thing.

Well, on top of this, I ended up watching the last two movies in Matrix trilogy. It was not a planned activity but happened because I am on vacation and can afford to watch TV late into the night. I think the person who wrote matrix is enlightened. I don't know how they know so much but boy, they do have some facts straight at least. So, the one that resonated most with me was the unbalanced vs balanced equation. The things that were bothering me for some time are --

1. Why is there good and bad?
2. People who do bad are convinced that what they are doing is not bad, so in their mind, they are doing right.
3. There is no self, so there is no entity making up its mind about good or bad.

The statement in matrix was that there are some of us unbalancing equation and others are balancing. If this was not happening, probably no one would have anything to do! And my finding is that every one is balancing and unbalancing the equation. We all are a mix of good and evil, some less, some more.

The Universe is Dual

How could have I not noticed this earlier? I must have read Dogen talk about duality a dozen times but it was not sinking in. Anyhow, it came to my attention that Universe is dual in nature..it is its suchness..there is heat and cold, black and white, summer and winter, happiness and sadness etc etc. One does not come without the other! It is a package deal!!! Oh my my..is that right? It is a package deal? I only want good, warmth, summer, light, happiness etc etc and not the other part. But how is that possible? The universe cannot hand anything out without its counter part. Day will come with night, summer with winter and happiness (the kind that you get when your wish is fulfilled) with disappointments! Well, no one told me that!!!! Can we accept the reality that one pole does not exist without the other and hence we cannot expect that we can get only half the package every time? What is the difference in expectations and attitude when we start accepting the package and not just one half? Think about it.

Zen's best gift to me..

is the understanding that water is water, fire is fire, earth is earth and they don't need to become like each other or for that matter, any one else. Now, this might not be a big thing for someone else, but for me, it was. Being born in a highly competitive social structure, there were often examples sited of other people and how we should become successful like them. I did spend a good part of my life trying to become successful and I still do. It doesn't wear off that easily. It was only after sitting on cushion and pondering over suchness for days, that I realized how unique each of us is and how uniquely we are gifted. All of us possess our own "suchness". We need to honor the gift that we have, the talent that is naturally ours and no one else's and nurture it. Do only what you are uniquely inspired to do and nothing else. Everything else will fall in place automatically. It is such a liberatioin for a person like me. A rose flower is a rose flower, and if it spends its life comparing itself to a Jasmine flower and trying to become like it, what a shame. I pondered and pondered over suchness, it was making no sense to me and then it unfolded - what a beauty! It was a whole different world to see from eyes of suchness. I am deeply thankful and I want to bow to no one in particular.

Ah! The Great Expectation!

Here I am, with a perfect opportunity to practice. Mind you it is difficult to do so, at least for me. Lot more easy to chant - "form is emptiness and emptiness is form", much more difficult to do (we are reading Heart Sutra for a class at my Zen Center). I am putting effort in something, something that is necessary for sustenance of this form (body and mind). I am impatient, I want quick results and I want it to get over soon. It might take some effort and I don't want to spend a lot of effort. Do you see all the "wants" I have just listed?

I am thankful that mindfulness is allowing me to see this process. If it was before I embarked on path, the sheer stress and pa nick would have consumed my being. I still have those two companions but, I am able to let go of effort as "just effort", a part of my "suchness", nothing more to it. Actually, at times, I am able to enjoy the effort (nice!). I am able to look at stress and tell myself that it is empty of self existence, I need not let that poison spread in my body and mind and when I look into source of stress, it is my lack of confidence in the ability of life. Zen has enabled me to see the beauty of life, how perfect it is and how much I fail to notice it. It has enabled me to see that I don't live life with all my planning and procuring and calculating risk, but rather it lives me, supports me and enables me. I am not able to see this all the time but, I am thankful for times when I can. I have confidence in the myriad dharmas...:). My teacher said yesterday - be curious, see what life offers. In order to be curious, I have to leave my plans aside and give life room to show me what I cannot imagine and plan for...:).

It is 5:30 AM EST now, perfect time to sit. The cushion awaits me.

Notion of no-self and the pressure on one self

Right view, right view - what is this right view?,some one asked Buddha. The blessed one said - "It is my dear, the understanding that everything is impermanent and arises because of conditions, nothing exists by itself and in its own right". At another time, Buddha told Bahiya there is "no thing" here - there are just the phenomena like hearing, seeing etc happening. I am not saying at all that this makes a lot of sense when you encounter it first time, but eventually you can start seeing Buddha's point.

The interesting thing is that even though this is Buddha's philosophy, all the texts and all zen writings talk about dhamma in the form of actions of an individual. May be there are texts that talk purely in terms of actions and not actors and I haven't read them yet. And that is how it should be, I guess, till one understands the concept of no-self. HOwever, once if you understand the concept, and thought process still remains as me and others, there will always be guilt and pride. Essentially, everything is just a phenomena and not so much an individual, and it helps to keep the concept strong if one can turn one's thinking in terms of phenomena that are happening, rather than a doer doing an action. It is a shift in the paradigm and quite liberating!

Cannot stop thinking about it..suchness of Universe..good and bad

So..the Universe is such..there is ignorance, the root cause of all suffering. Ignorance about not knowing the real nature of things as impermanent, devoid of self sustainig and self creating cause. This is why we cling, we get greedy and we hurt others mostly because of our greed. BUT this is no one's fault..just like leaves are green and stone is hard, this is the "suchness" of human nature. We are born in this manner. When we hurt others, it is rarely because we intentionally want to hurt, but because we are bound by our nature based on greed and need of security. Rape, theft, war crimes, terror - for all these, people who are doing them absolutely believe that they are doing the right thing. In their minds, this is the best action they can or should take. People hurt others, create bad karma unintentionally and then suffer in return. The thing that is baffling me is that this is how the system is designed..no one made it like this..this is how it is..BUT WHY?????????

Are you here to numb your pain or getting high?

Did not get a chance to post for sometime. Work has been crazy busy. I am thankful for the time I got today to sit. Post is below:
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Aah..my friend, so you thought Zen and meditation would enable you to numb your pain or get high and may be you can forget all your worries for sometime at least? You thought it could get you either super normal powers where you can manifest you every desire or raise you above your feelings so all you will feel is pleasure. I know it hurts..it cuts through heart and it never goes away..so many things you wanted, you did get a lot of them and still what you don't have overpowers all your achievements and happiness. Somehow, the time that you spend pondering over what you don't have or did not get, comes out to be always more than the time that you spend on being thankful for what you have. So, you thought let me try this thing called Zen and may be it will help.

The good news is that it will! The bad news is that it is not going to numb you or make you high. Zen creates warriors and not zombies! and trust me, it is not easy. It will make you come face to face with yourself so closely that you will have goosebumps. You will look into reality of who you are and it will be a path of struggle. It is not easy to face ourselves, most of the time we are running away from ourselves and the question of why. We would rather act upon instincts without analyzing. Acting out of impulse is far easier than paying attention and being mindful.

Zen creates warriors..who are mindful..who are looking into life squarely..who are not running away from it or drowning themselves in sensual pleasures..this is what makes the path difficult. As a result of investigation, peace and contentment emerges..every time the want arises..dissatisfaction arises..the warrior is trained to question..look deeper..figure it out. The warrior has to be willing to train himself with every ounce of energy in his body, with every fibre of his being..only his quest of finding the reality enables him to tread the path and become one with it.

Are you a warrior or zombie?